Do you value being right more than staying connected in your relationship? We all are guilty of this sometimes. We argue our point of view and insist it’s correct because we want to be understood, it feels safer, or we don’t want to feel ashamed. But that self‑preservation often becomes a pattern that shuts down conversation and damages connection. Left unchecked, it leads to repeated stalemates, unresolved resentment, and growing distance. In this article I’ll explain what it means to choose being right over being in relationship, why it’s a problem, and one practical way I’ve helped couples interrupt defensiveness.

Do you want to be right or in a relationship?

You may have heard this phrase before: “Do you want to be right or in a relationship?” When emotions are high or you’re struggling with something that feels like a betrayal, this can be incredibly difficult to hear. “You just think I want to be right? That’s not true! I just want you to understand me, apologize, see my side.” But let’s slow this process down. We often listen to respond, not to truly understand the other person. Now you might be thinking, “I always hear the other person out, but they never want to hear me.” Outwardly you may look like you are listening. You’re making eye contact, nodding along, patiently waiting your turn but internally you might be saying to yourself, “That’s not what happened,” “You always do this,” “They never listen to me,” “They don’t care about what I’m feeling.” Those thoughts are often followed by a verbal correction. It’s the underlying, “I’ll tell you why your point of view is incorrect.”

What’s worse is that our culture trains us to assume malice in our partners. Social media has helped spread awareness, but it has also given many of us a false confidence: we act like experts when we are not. We take information meant for different situations, view it through a skewed lens, and discard the good in our partners, forgetting they are human too. Don’t believe me? How many times have we called a disagreement ‘gaslighting’ when in reality the other person simply remembers it differently or had different feelings about what happened? Learning what toxic behavior looks like and moving away from it is important. But we can also become toxic when we refuse to see an alternative perspective and shut down any real attempts at repair.

So if you want to be alone, keep insisting you’re right. If you want love and connection, acknowledge that the person you care about has their own emotions and perspective, whether you agree or not.

Why defensiveness is a problem

John and Julie Gottman are leading experts on relationships whose research spans over 40 years. They followed couples they called the “Masters” and the “Disasters,” and found that those who became Disasters repeatedly showed four destructive patterns known as the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Defensiveness is the instinctive move to protect yourself by making excuses, denying responsibility, playing the victim, or counterattacking. It may feel like self‑preservation in the moment, but it shuts down honest dialogue and blocks repair. The Four Horsemen aren’t diagnostic labels (they don’t mean someone is “a narcissist”); they’re common, destructive interaction patterns that can appear in any relationship. No one is exempt.

When we feel accused, the easiest move is to defend. Defensiveness feels protective; it preserves identity, avoids shame and keeps us safe in the moment. But defensiveness also shuts down curiosity. Ironically, the very thing we crave, which is to be understood and connected, is what defensiveness destroys. Instead of asking, “How did they arrive there?” we immediately explain, justify or counterattack. When one or both people defend themselves at the same time, it creates a stalemate: neither person feels heard, repair stalls and the same conflict repeats.

We’re quick to spot defensiveness in our partners and often miss how we show up in conflict. Have you heard the old saying: when you point one finger, three point back? Let that be an invitation to notice your part in the conflict before you point blame.

Take Responsibility: Owning your part

The antidote to defensiveness is simple: take responsibility. Taking responsibility does not look like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry I care too much.” Those are deflective. Real responsibility is accepting accountability for something you did that contributed to hurting your partner, intentionally or unintentionally. It’s about acknowledging your role.

Start here: ask yourself, “What set me up for this miscommunication? What was my state of mind when the conflict started?” In other words, what was going on with me that may have contributed to this conflict? For example, have you been feeling drained lately and less emotionally available to your partner? Have you been stressed at work and more irritable as a result? Have you felt disconnected due to a lack of physical intimacy?

Next, ask yourself: what do I regret about my contribution? Was it that you overreacted? Were you short with them? Or did you notice yourself becoming defensive?

Finally, take ownership by apologizing for your role. This can feel vulnerable. The reality is that the person on the other side can accept or reject the apology, and rejection can feel paralyzing. But doing your part matters: it shows you genuinely care about the person you’re speaking to and that you are acting in line with your values.

Where to go from here

Interrupting negative relational patterns on your own can be challenging. For couples ready to stop shifting blame, I offer telehealth sessions for residents of Tennessee and Nevada that are flexible to fit your schedule. There’s no rushing to appointments or sitting in waiting rooms. Ready to try a different way of responding? Request an appointment or learn more about my services by visiting Revelation Mental Health.

Like this article? Check out more at the Revelation Blog.

-Suzanne Maynard, LMFT